I’m going to let Amy tell you her story in her own words, but before I do I just wanted to preface this remarkable lady’s account with a comment.

I met Amy Kiel on Twitter and was immediately taken in by her sparkle, her compassion for others, her terrific sense of humor and her absolute dedication to helping others who, like her, are struggling on a dark path of depression, pain and suicidal thoughts.

Take the time to read this and then take the time to do something. Whether that ’something’ is picking up the phone and calling someone who has been down, sponsoring Amy in her Walk Out of Darkness, breathing a prayer or a financial contribution to suicide prevention… Just DO something! ~Dee

Coming Out of Darkness

As so many do, I grew up in dysfunction or less than ideal circumstances … however you put it, my family had it’s challenges. I was raised in a family with a history of alcoholism, depression, abuse, divorce and some other less than lovely issues.

We are, as a whole, a family on a journey of healing, hiding secrets no longer part of the game. After years of silence I have chosen to speak out about the challenges I face, joining the voices of others who openly discuss these issues, to help fight stigma and promote awareness.

As a teenager I became keenly aware of a feeling of extreme self-consciousness, a feeling of not fitting in and being different, and I began turning to things like alcohol to numb the pain and help with the social awkwardness.

Before long, I was suffering from severe depression, kept somewhat “under control” with counseling and an improved home environment. Away at school, my freshman year of college, I made my first attempt to take my life. I spent one month hospitalized in a psychiatric unit.

I spent years battling the depression, developed panic attacks and all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I took different medications, saw different therapists and psychiatrists and actually achieved a good level of stability in my life for quite some time. For several years I felt “normal” and was living life pretty well. In my 29th year of life I became pregnant with my second child. In the beginning of my second marriage and with one beautiful child already life was feeling good. My pregnancy threw me and my body for a loop… I discontinued my medications for depression and anxiety as soon as I found out I was pregnant, that alone was a big shock to my system and shortly after I developed “hyperemesis gravidarum” (chronic and severe nausea and vomiting).

As time went by, the anxiety and depression came back in full force, but I had little resources for relief. I was put on many different medications for the nausea and vomiting and recieved little relief. Soon my sleep was seriously compromised, and I spent many hours each night tossing and turning, pacing and even taking walks in the middle of the night because the anxiety and was so intense.

I recall sitting in my car, in my garage, garage door closed, with keys ready…contemplating ending it all because the torture my life had become was too intense. I recalled my grandfather’s death just a few years earlier by the same means, and how it must have been nice to find some relief from the pain for him. But, because of that life inside me, my son, I didn’t turn the car on. I held on a little longer. I went into premature labor and then my situation worsened. At 37 weeks my doctor induced, in order to save my sanity, or what was left of it, truly.

After my son’s arrival I was overjoyed and looked forward to life returning to “normal”. Unfortunatly, things just didn’t go as I planned. I developed body aches and pains I had never known before.  I was fatigued constantly. Somedays I could hardly walk or stand because of the pain and it certainly didn’t take long for depression to rear its ugly head again. After months of doctor’s visits and specialist, tests, etc. I was finally given a diagnosis: Fibromyalgia.

This diagnosis felt like one of the most horrible answers to my questions that I could imagine at the time. I had worked in hospitals previously, in the Emergency Department, and witnessed first hand the stigma people suffered from dealing with chronic pain and conditions such as Fibromyalgia. Doctors and nurses alike were often all to quick to imply that a patient was drug seeking because they were in pain and had no where else to turn. My own doctor, a rheumatologist, put it all nice and simple…”there are no cures, I have no medicine to give you that will take the pain away immediately”. It was a bleak looking future in my mind.

The depression intensified and my pain increased. I spent most of my days in bed and unable to care for my family the way I dreamed of. Eventually my mind succumbed to the thoughts and ideas of being worthless, useless and hopeless. I had become “less” of everything I felt I was meant to be. The pain so intense and my mind weakened by the depression I turned to an option I had considered before and concluded it was the only thing to do. I attempted to take my life and found myself escorted by ambulance to the hospital not long after. Much hospitalization and therapy, and many challenges later…I have found my voice. I have found my worth and value. And I have found a lot of relief, although not cured, not miraculously healed, but have been given a gift of a journey towards health and wellness.

Part of the journey has been my calling to sharing my story, to promoting awareness and suicide prevention efforts. I walked in my first walk benefitting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention almost one year ago in the local Out of the Darkness Community Walk and then this past summer I participated in The Out of the Darkness Overnight , a walk spanning just shy of 20 miles that takes place over the course of one night. I was honored to raise $1300 in donations. I was also quite pleased to be able to complete 10 miles of the walk despite dealing with the pain of fibromyalgia. My hope is to be able to walk the entire length of the walk next time!

I am part of the planning committee for this years Kansas City Out of the Darkness Community Walk which will be held this October 17th. I am also attempting to do a small amount of fundraising for the event in addition to the promotions and organizational aspects I am participating in. You can visit my fundraising page here.

I am so grateful for the few opportunities I have had to do radio interviews and personal interviews on the topic of suicide prevention and awareness. I enjoy using social media, like twitter and facebook, as an outlet to spread hope and share the need to talk about topics such as this. I feel truly passionate about sharing my story so that others know they are not alone in their moments of despair.  In order to do that, I will continue to speak out about this sometimes awkward and shunned upon subject and I will spread hope as best as I can by working to save lives by preventing suicide!

(You can read more about my journey on my site “Una Vita Bella“)

~Amy Kiel

About Amy:

I am a 30 something, married, mother of two young beautiful children. I am striving to live a beautiful life … trying to find my way in this world.

I am passionate. I am curious. I am a survivor. I am a Christian. I suffer from Fibromyalgia. It seems I developed Fibromyalgia about 4 and a half years ago, most likely as a result of a very difficult pregnancy. I also battle PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety.

I am a dreamer, and for this I believe I pay a high price, as it is both a blessing and a curse. I am a romantic. I often feel completely stifled in the current environment I am in, but yet there is still beauty here. I am a pro when it comes to making “mistakes”, but it is from those that I believe I am given great opportunity to learn.

As I am on a journey of healing and learning how to really live this life of mine, my hope is that someone somewhere might find hope within my words and experiences. I hope that if nothing else, whatever content goes into this blog, someone else can find something to relate to, maybe a piece of information that will help them, or possibly a spark of inspiration will somehow ignite. These are the same things I am looking for, within myself, and in the writing I do on my site “Una Vita Bella“.

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